Get that 36-inch waist today!

If you're like me and you hate looking down on your belly and seeing nothing but washboard abs, then I've got a treat for you! With my exclusive program, I guarantee that you'll transform from fabulous to flabulous in a few weeks' time! Hehe, kidding.

I've never had great abs let alone a flat stomach. Which is why when I found out I have a 36-incher, I was shocked for about a week and eventually just took it as it is.

When I was in Grade 5, I was one of the fat kids - I weighed 90 pounds and had a 28-inch waist. When puberty kicked in however, everything disappeared. Gradually I lost weight and the process peaked during college - 30 inches, 135 pounds. Sexy.

From then on however it was a losing battle. Frequent gym visits, physical activity, and diets no longer seem to work and I took it as mother nature giving me a sign. Discouraged, I decided to help her out in her quest to make me bigger. Just last year I was 32 and 150, now I'm 36 and 167.

Want in on this? Here's what I've been doing to get myself in flip flop shape:

• Slept more

Earlier this year, the wife and I lived right beside the office. We slept at 12 and woke up at 8 with enough time to make breakfast and watch an episode of Friends.

• Learned how to cook

The wife was pregnant and immobile. We had to eat, so I learned how to. Nowadays when there's nothing to eat I could effortlessly whip up a simple feast.

• Drive to work

Love the train but I hate everything else. Unfortunately where we live now, there's only everything else.

• Got married

No need to impress the lady-types. I have the only pretty lady I'll ever need.

• Rarely lifted weights

I hate lifting weights because they're so heavy. Any lighter and they're ineffective.

• Had a son

Instead of ballin' with the boys I just go straight home to see my son. I'll just challenge him when he's older.

• Got a nanny
  

...who does most of the support work for the wife.

• Shifted to a new career path

The web is just as hectic but it mostly involves sitting in front of the computer. No outdoor shoots whatsoever. There are presscons, but half of what we do there is eat.

So what are you waiting for? Call now! I'll throw in a free donut for the first ten callers.

Emasculated

I entered the office bathroom and I was greeted by this image

Well, not exactly that but there were six (6), six-foot tall guys lined up in front of the mirror tweezing their eyebrows, glossing their lips, and putting on what I think was make-up.

Apparently the auditions for Cosmo's 69 bachelors is today and I forgot all about it. Serves me right for not reading the sign.

Hmm, this probably explains why the girls from 7th keep making "official trips" down here at 6th.

I'll pee later when the coast is clear.